Cry for Stupid
May 14, 2008 @ 18:55
Today I listened to NPR all day at my desk. This week I have been glued to tv and radio every day. I do not devote a large amount of my time to the news on a regular basis. One day a week is usually all I can manage. Every day? No, it is too sad. Too frightening. But in light of the last weeks’ events, I thought that I owed it my full attention. I am in horror. I am so sad for all the families that are suffering right now. And so angry for all of them that are suffering at the hands of men, beyond what nature has already done. I could not do justice with words so I will not try. I will only say that I felt brittle and vulnerable at the end of this day. As I pulled into the driveway with Puppy in the backseat, I turned off the engine but we stayed so that I could listen to one last news story’s conclusion. Puppy climbed into my lap and I wept for the families that have lost their children. I decided to plant the flowers and herbs that I bought in all the containers on my back patio. Try to turn off my brain for a bit. Bear helped me move the planters into a new arrangement. We planted sweet potato vine, ivy, flowers that I do not know the name of. Basil, thyme, dill, peppers, tomatoes, and more that I’ve already forgotten. As I prepared to pack the tools away I turned and found Puppy with the pruning shears, standing beside a pot that until just moments before had held a very pretty little evergreen that over the past year I had pruned into the beginnings of a spiral. Here’s Bear holding it up for you to see.

This is the pot after Puppy “helped” . . .

A sad little stump. I was stunned. And then crushed. For just minute, I plunked down into one of the Adirondack chairs and I cried again. I was just overcome by one of those feelings of why do I keep trying. As a single parent, I get those. That kind of creeping exhaustion that’s fueled by unrealistic expectations in myself. Last week my boss told me I had to learn how to ask for help. I just don’t know how. And when I have struggled out a way and have asked in the past haven’t gotten it. It’s a simple bone deep tired that comes from being the only grown up in charge. And then as I was sitting there thinking all of this, I got immediately angry at myself for being angry at him when really, what do I have to be angry about? I have nothing to be angry about in my back yard. How stupid to cry over this shrub! My family is safe and whole. My job is secure. I can go this weekend and buy a new tree and put it in that pot. Others in China cannot put their lives back together ever again. And in Myanmar, there are people who are dying because of a government that won’t allow aid workers in. No there are no problems here in my backyard. Just another silly American who very often forgets how good she has it. Surrounded by a world full of real problems. Stupid stupid stupid . . .

